Ever start to feel more important than you really are? i do. I seem to be doing it more and more. i can make a difference, this thing is really important, people's lives will change because of this thing I am doing, thinking, creating.....blah blah bla
Then I look at the map above and it all comes back into perspective.
I take some solace in the knowledge that I can make a difference to the people immediately around me, the ones I can contact with a simple gesture, uplift with a word of encouragement, console with a heartfelt hug. Don't misunderstand me - I am still very, very tiny in the overall scheme of things. But if i make the people around me bigger, do I not also grow?
"Wish I knew what you were looking for Might have known what you would find...."
The Church : "Under the Milky Way"
never - ever - pass up a chance to view the celestial. the shooting star you choose to ignore may have been the one to change your life. and so soon it fades... and is gone....
Rilo Kiley: "With Arms Outstretched"
and if you want me,
you better speak up
i wont wait
- Rilo Kiley
i have never been a big fan of deadlines, ultimatums, "have-to's" but there is growing within me an increasing desire to get on with my life - such as it is.
Places to go, people to see, things to do.
It's not impatience, it is better time management.
Life as i have known it for the past couple of months - Can I get an amen from my cellmates? It's tough to get used to the idea that rooms can have more than four walls. for seven weeks my world was a combination of four walled rooms and the beach. Not much in between. in honour of Dan Patrick's last show, his fave band (gawd...) Hootie and the Blowfish: "Only Want to be with You"
and I've included a clip of the "07" cohort as they left the campus in Victoria.
Big Brother UVic is over, Liz and Joe did the Love Tour one last time, to rave reviews - here's some footage of the historic moments
One last on site task and then it is on to life as we once knew it - two years removed of course... What did you look like two years ago?
Me?
I was 45 pounds heavier and I knew everything already.
Now i am 45 pounds lighter and I know nothing at all.
Long talk tonight with a friend about the nature of the course of events as we define this master's trip to nowhere special....
The analogy she brought forward was that we were our own episode of Big Brother.
(anyone else notice that Julie Chen is far more attractive as she gets older? forgive me, i digress)
We are thrown together unannounced, unitroduced, and for the next 16 months are expected to work together to survive. It must seem incredibly odd to be a boyfriend or a spouse of a member of Big brother and just wonder what goes on there the cameras are not on.
Despite the understanding that no television network would ever film our world (endless hours of people typing at their desk!), the reality is that the type of journey we have been on has an effect onthe ones we leave behind. what are they doing over there? What are those guys like ? What are those women up to ? etc etc - you know the bit.
the answer is simply - nothing much.
But the dynamic of trust and collaboration that has grown between the occupants of Big Brother house UVIC is exceptional.
tomorrow we celebrate.
tommorow we say goodbye. It won't be easy, but we can't say we didn't see it coming. James Blunt : goodbye my Lover
Carrie Underwood : Wasted
Before you write in all your flak - by request... It's kind of a theme around these parts these days.++++
Wow Finally got the D Link in the room working again. Access to the web is important in the last days of class -- Thursday!! Been a long time. Roller Coaster of emotions.
"Let the Jury Decide...." I heard two phrases this summer that have sort of come together: "I don't want to live in a box." (female) "I live in that square." (male) Funny thing is - I agree with both of those comments. Living in a Box: "Living in a Box"
.....everybody Wang Chung tonight... I bet there is a song for every situation.
Of Montreal: "Faberge falls for Shuggie"
Don't ask me to explain. Imagine Kevin Barnes trying to explain androgynous post funk modern groove to Generation Y. nigha nigh
The lead singer in this band is getting raves- "Let's get out of this Country" may just become some kind of an anthem if the Iraq thing continues to press.
thanks for the musical snack, K.
Ball? Ball? Kick!
...exactly.
Saturday is another day of nuptials. What a treat it will be to see family again.
I am starting to think of my new family in Victoria as almost family.
I am so close to being finished here it is ridiculous.
What is also ridiculous is how much I complain.
I claim grad school prerogative.
baaaallll...Ball. I claim grandfather prerogative. Afi says so.
"K" pointed out to me that it is summer, and that reminds me that
summer needs those songs that you only hear in summer.
Beatles - "Baby You're a Rich Man" Tremeloes - "Silence is Golden" Sly and the Family Stone - "Hot Fun in the Summertime" Martha and the Vandellas - "Heat Wave" Doobie Bros. - "Jesus is Just Allright With Me"
Here's a modern one: Peter, Bjorn & John - "Young Folks"
I played fast pitch softball with a very good player who anchored our infield at third base, while I did my best to hold the fort at second.
He regularly would holler "you never know" as a way of keeping team mates on their toes. It was rapid fire chatter, almost one word; "yenevrno, guys." To him it meant, "be ready, the ball may be coming your way."
I never thought of it as an expression that meant anything else, not in the sporting world at least.
I found myself saying the phrase from the sidelines coaching my basketball games one season.
One of my captains pulled me aside after a game and asked if I could please stop saying "you never know" during the games.
I asked her why she was so bothered by it.
To me it meant "be ready, stay on your toes."
Not to her.
To her it meant " You never know - we may get lucky and actually win." To her it was a negative phrase.
I worked in Hope as a temporary social worker with a permanent social worker who told me the story of her 13 year old boy who had spent the weekend with his father, the dad who wasn't around much.
He had come back from a terrible time with dad. After a long tale of misery and woe, mom said to him "i can really appreciate how you feel right now." she had lived with him long enough to know just how awful a week with him could become.
To her it was the most empathic, correct and understanding thing she could say to another human being who had undergone a tough experience.
The boy bolted from the house and was gone for two days.
By the time she tracked him down he was adamant he was not returning home.
Why not?
Because mom had told him she was glad that he had such a terrible time with dad, that she was glad he had been so poorly treated by him. How could he live with such a heartless b*tch?
Needless to say it took a bit of education to teach the boy what "appreciate" truly meant.
***
Tonight I heard some bad news about a good man. Despite a life of fairness, decency, kindness and service, of athleticism and health, a friend has had a major bit of terrible news about his health, news that could prove to be devastating.
It doesn't make sense.
It's not fair.
You never know.
Thanks to one of the finest Smiths ever - for the cold beer at the end of a long dreary weekend...
Here are the Smiths : "How soon is Now?"
"When you say it's gonna happen now, Well, when exactly do you mean? See I've already waited too long ..." you never know
Where have all my friends gone? They've all disappeared Turned around maybe one day You were all that was there Stood by unbelieving Stood by on my own Always thought I was someone Turned out I was wrong But you brought me through And you made me feel so Blue, why don't you stay behind, soBlue, why don't you stop and look at what's goin' down Live by an old woman She'd never sell me a lie It's hard to sing with someone Who won't sing with you Give all of my mercy Give all of my heart Never thought I'd miss you That I'd miss you so much...Jayhawks, "Blue" Apparently in the Inner Harbour there is a Festival tonight. The Victoria Symphony is playing and there are fireworks. I am in the building next to the Library doing project work. By my count there are three of us here this weekend. Everyone else is gone - hence the song above.(Plus I wanted to use the word "hence". It's been a while) You don't miss people you don't care about. I miss everybody. I miss the people I usually miss, and I miss the ones I have only recently come to miss. This is rough. There better be a big prize somewhere at the end of this yellow brick road or me and the the Scarecrow are gonna have words.
Jayhawks: Blue
11 years later and I still dig this song.
"Thought I was someone, turned out I was wrong..." Not all maudlin, just dig that line. nigha nigh
. Accordingly, the Commission approves the application by the Education Alternative Radio Society for a broadcasting licence to operate an English-language community-based campus FM radio programming undertaking at the University of Northern British Columbia in Prince George. The station will operate at 88.7 MHz (channel 204A) with an ERP of 510 watts.
How good is this?
Kudos to the mighty C and all his minions for the excellent leg work.
Here is a picture of Makoto, Dave, and me coming out of the Library after a long hard day. After working with Dave for a day I can see why Les goes home every weekend.... I guess the theme is "to get something you have to give something". That is the hard part for me. I want my cake and I want more cake. But if I am going to give up a weekend, I want something to show for it at the other end. So first thing tomorrow AM it's back to the mine shaft. Lee Dorsey - take it away: Workin' in a Coal Mine I love the metallic clang in this song.
Come on in boy, sit on down And tell me 'bout yourself So you like my daughter, do you now Yeah we think she's something else She's her daddy's girl and her mama's world She deserves respect, that's what she'll get, ain't it son Now y'all run along and have some fun I'll see you when you get back Bet I'll be up all night Still cleaning this gun
Now personally, I don't know much about Rodney Atkins.
And there are, admittedly, some rather large areas of modern country music that I just do not know much about, nor feel drawn to explore.
That's not a good or a bad, it's just - to phrase it in countrified talk - "it's just a is."
But tonight I feel compelled to talk about daddy's and their girls.
Tonight I was referred to as a "second dad", a term of incredible honour that I do not take lightly.
I wrote a paper on the topic recently about the issue of female teams with male coaches.
And I have been deeply moved this week by a story of father / daughter disconnect, of two good people (I actually only know one, and she is outstanding. I assume the dad is a wonderful person as well.)
So I look at the Atkins lyric above and I reflect.
That is not how I see the relationship between myself and my daughter (or "daughters" if the concept of "second dad" holds past the weekend).
Staying up all night cleaning a gun readying myself for the eventuality that some punk ass kid has stolen my baby away and has to be dealt with.
hmm.
While I might have felt like that at times, I can't imagine being like that. I dunno, maybe I was but I wasn't aware. But the lyric just doesn't sit right with me.
I was probably a little too much the other way - giving a lot of freedoms but keeping a watchful eye, hoping she would make good choices all the time knowing -eventually - she would.
And I was right, despite the innumerable mistakes I made along the way..
And yet the story of disconnect between my friend and her father moves me.
I find it indescribably puzzling how a dad could not want to be a major part of his daughter's life. And not just because the individual in the story above is a wonderful person. She is more than that. She is talented, dedicated, thoughtful, and driven to be successful. She possesses a will to laugh, has a great BS detector, and calls a spade a shovel. She is great company and a joy to know. I truly hope we will always be close.
She is also conflicted in her personal wants and needs, and stands at a bit of a crossroads in her life right now. She needs a dad. She needs her dad. I hope at some point she - or he - reach out for the other.
It's is hard to maintain a supportive dad position without becoming a major hovering pain in the ass. That is the theme of the lyric of Adkins, and as clever as the lyric is, and as popular as the notion of DAD the PROTECTOR is, it is a position that is doomed to fail.
Daughters need dads - and they also need dads to leave them alone when requested.
Still, dads have a tough time letting go of their little buddy, the neat-o kid that rode around on their shoulders and actually sought them out - but the moment they do they begin the process of hanging on to their daughters in a new and much more powerful way.
Roots can't run deep if you constantly take them out of the soil to examine them. Just pour water, stand back, and admire.
I admit that I admire my daughter every day.
And if some new kid on the block wants to call me her second dad, I am good with that, too. The more people you put in your heart, the bigger it grows.
I know I might take a little bit of flak about the musical choice here -
but its my blog, pathetic as it might be, so here is
Paul Simon: Father and Daughter, with a stikingly simple visual.
and Trace Adkins: And Then They Do - yeah yeah, I know....
